I had a miscarriage.
I questioned whether I wanted to write about it because most people didn’t know I was pregnant to begin with, and well, this is a dark subject. I feel like I need to write this out though, and I also wanted to give a glimpse behind it. We focus on the positives of pregnancies, but other things happen that are often left unspoken. (If you were wondering, this was indeed the bad news I was dealing with back in July. I’m fully aware that this is a public post that anyone can view or share, but I would still prefer if this wasn’t shared.)
At around 8 weeks pregnant, my husband and I had only told our parents and a few close family and friends. I was careful not to tell anyone else, and I asked those who I confided in to keep it a secret as well. I knew that it was safer to wait until the second trimester in case a miscarriage happened. 10-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and unfortunately, I fell into that percentage.
At 6 weeks, we had done an early ultrasound, and there was already a heartbeat. It was weird seeing a tiny dot beating like that. At that point, it didn’t resemble anything yet. It was just a dot. At 10 weeks, we were expecting to see a fetus, and well… what we saw was a dot again, slightly larger, except no longer beating.
Our initial feeling was disappointment and defeat. Having never seen a fetus, I don’t think we had a real attachment to it yet. It didn’t totally feel real yet.
The disappointment came from all of the things leading up to it, only for it to not be viable. First of all, deciding to have children wasn’t an easy decision. That makes sense, right? I mean, it’s a big freaking deal. We’re talking about a living human being that changes your life forever. It’s something we talked about for years before we finally made a decision.
It has always bothered me when people pester others about having children. It’s none of their business to begin with, and it’s not something to rush into. As someone who is in my thirties and has been married for 6 years already, you can imagine that older, more traditional people were constantly wondering why we didn’t have children yet. It was annoying. Not to mention, not everyone wants to have children, and some that do would rather wait until they’re ready. After all, it is our decision, not theirs.
Then when we were ready for kids, conceiving was a whole other story. I knew full well that it normally takes people several months, sometimes even over a year, to become pregnant. That didn’t make it any less frustrating to fail month after month. Not to mention, you only know whether you’re pregnant or not during your period, and if you miss, you have to wait another month (or longer) before you know. It took us 7 months.
Years of deciding, 7 months to conceive, a month or so where I was pregnant, and then for it to end in a miscarriage. You can see how frustrating and defeating that is, right?
I also had to have a D&C done, a procedure which cleans out my uterus. The day after the bad news, I had it scheduled at a surgery center, and at that point, I think the whole thing really hit me – the reality of having to end my pregnancy – and I grieved in private. I felt depressed over the loss, and even though I was told the miscarriage wasn’t my fault, I still felt extremely guilty. I kept thinking back on everything I did, wondering where I went wrong.
People don’t tell you about these things. They don’t tell you about the frustration and sense of failure of trying to conceive for months. They don’t tell you about how helpless and guilty you feel to have to end your pregnancy. They don’t tell you about the grief you can still experience over something that was never born. Trying to have children has honestly been a really shitty experience. That doesn’t mean I’m giving up and that I don’t think it’s worth it, but it’s truly a hard experience that takes an emotional and physical toll when it doesn’t go the way you expect it to.
And for those who do want to have children, I hope this doesn’t scare you off. Like I wrote above, miscarriages are a minority of pregnancies, and you probably know more people who had smooth, problem-free pregnancies. I will say that after I experienced a miscarriage, other stories came out that I never knew about. My mom had a miscarriage. My aunt had one. A family friend had one. Friends tell me of other friends who had one. It’s something no one wants to talk about and for a good reason. It’s personal, and it’s a hard thing to accept. This is my side of the story though, and I’m moving forward from it, but it is something that I have to live with now.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Cat. I cannot imagine how difficult this must have been for you and your husband.
Thank you for sharing your story. It must have been tough, but you are so brave. I’m sending you lot of love. ?
I am very sorry to hear that you had a miscarriage. I wish you and your husband the best in your journey – and I sincerely thank you for opening up and sharing your story. It’s a sensitive subject and I totally understand.
It’s always annoying when people ask (and eventually pester) you about things that are your choice. “When will you get married?” “When will you ______” – like seriously?? It’s not that person’s life so why are they being so nosy. Not to mention, there could be something deeper than what people see. This is kind of why I prefer not to ask anyone personal questions unless they want to tell me.
I hope you and your husband won’t give up in trying to have children. It’s always heartbreaking to hear about miscarriages. Pregnancy isn’t easy. Sending lots of love your way, Cat!
I’m so sorry for your loss Cat! I can’t imagine how incredibly hard it was to share this with us. Thank you for sharing with us! I can’t imagine how hard it is to have an miscarriage and my heart feels for you.
I also think it’s annoying when people pester you with questions that is honestly none of their business. You do you! And I hope that your experience goes up from here on out! *hugs*
I’m so sorry to hear this, Cat. Hope you’re both doing okay. Sending all my love and wishing you all the best for the future. Not enough people talk about the difficulties of pregnancies, and it affects so many people. Thank you for sharing. *hugs*
I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business when/whether people decide to have children. It’s an entirely personal thing and it’s so sad that people throw those opinions around. A child is a big decision and should be made by the couple alone.
Hope you’re okay, Cat. Xxx
I’m so sorry for your loss 🙁 I totally get why you chose to keep it private at first because it is a really sensitive subject that’s not easy to open up, but thank you for sharing and I do hope that sharing this with all of us helped alleviate the pain, even for just a bit. I’m wishing you and your husband all the best in this journey to have kids. It might not be easy but I hope everything goes better from here on out. Sending you lots of virtual hugs!
I am sad that this happened but you’re right, it is you and your husband’s decision to have children and not to be judged if you don’t have children right away. It is up to you both to make that call, but I have heard that miscarriages can hurt but I don’t know because I haven’t had one but as someone that wants kids badly, I can’t imagine the loss and the guilt. It is never your fault for what happened. Hugs. I too, hate how people force couples to get pregnant when a lot of the times, they don’t want to. Not everyone wants kids and some do. I am so sorry this happened. I can’t fathom the pain you and your husband went through.
I’m so sorry to hear of this, Cat! One of my closest friends and my sister-in-law both experienced miscarriages earlier this year, and I saw just how devastating they are to everyone involved. I wish the best for you and your husband, and that you have the time needed to heal both physically and mentally from this.
One thing both my friend and my sister-in-law mentioned as well were how shocked they were at how common miscarriages are. Once they miscarried, tons of people who come out with their own stories and personal experiences, that were previously hidden. Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope the best for you guys <3
I’m so sorry for your loss. <3 I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must have been for you. I hope that writing it out has helped a little.
Oh no, I’m so sorry! I can only imagine the grief and disappointment… I hope both your and your husband are doing better now and are able to move forward. *hugs*
And ugh, people and their questions. I too am in my 30s and in a long-term relationship, so I know all too well the comments and questions you get. It’s one thing if you want to talk about it and volunteer information, but the decision to have/not have children is a personal and private matter between you and your spouse. It’s actually pretty damn rude to ask someone about their reproductive choices.
With that said: it’s good that you share your story because pregnancy and everything around it is not always as easy and natural and rose-tinted as people like to think. People should know and talk about that more.
Thank you for sharing, and again, I hope you’re doing better from here on out. <3
Thanks for sharing your story. <3 The only other personal story I know explicit details of are of my cousin Char’s, but…she didn’t end it, but rather let it happen naturally, so that…was different (and graphic). 😐
If you need anyone to vent/rant to ever, I’m available. I mayn’t always have something to reply with, but I am here.
Thank you so much for sharing so vulnerably, Cat. I didn’t know you were going through tough times this summer, but I’m so glad to have read about this. I’m sure it was very hard to share. I hope you can find some peace and comfort through talking about it because I know many hearts are hurting for you.
I’m so sorry you are being pressured by traditional people about children. I definitely know that’s something that always happens, since I grew up being taught that my life’s goal is to get married and children. It one day dawned on me that the reality is different. I had heard of so many women with pregnancy complications (like Priscilla Chan) and even first-hand witnessed it (my aunt). That’s when I realized that having children is truly a blessing, not just a tick on the checklist.
A tick on the checklist hides the hardships and leave people with just their own feelings, and it’s truly heartbreaking. I want to thank you again for sharing such a difficult story, and I hope you are doing better, both physically and emotionally, and have close friends to turn to as you keep moving forward. <3 I wish you and your husband the best for when the time comes again.
I got very emotional reading this. I am so sorry for your loss, Cat. I felt the hurt and disappointment whilst reading the post, I can’t say anything else but thank you for sharing your story. I know it must’ve been hard to open up and post about such a personal subject but I applaud you for doing so.
I dislike how traditional people go on (not just about children and marriage) but even with other aspects of life like education and jobs. It’s hard to shift their minds because they grew up like that. I think keeping up your mindset of “stay out of my business” is the way to go! <3
Sending you lots and lots of love. We're all here supporting you!
I am so sorry for your loss. You know, I never realised just how hard it is to conceive since in my mind it always sounded like it was . . . easy? But reading this post has taught me some things and it has given me some new perspective on things — like how it takes so long to conceive and then it can end in a miscarriage so quickly. :/ I hadn’t thought of it that way, so thank you for educating me.
It is frustrating when people assume marriage means kids. Some people have their reasons for not wanting kids. I happen to fall into that category, and I know if I ever get married, I will have people questioning me that.
I wish you two the best for the future if you decide to have kids again. *hugs* I’m here for you, so if you ever want to talk, you know where to find me.
🙁 I am truly saddened to hear about this. It would have been so heartbreaking. I applaud you for sharing your story because it shows so much about what is often left unsaid. I wish you the best in the future and hope that if you try again the experience will be very different!
Wow Cat, thank you for sharing your story. I am truly heartbroken for your loss and the whole ordeal you and your husband have gone through. I am glad you are so strong together and that you have each other. I hope for the best in your TTC journey.